i keep thinking of how much i like talking to
you.how good you look when you smile. how
much i love your laugh.  i daydream about
you off and on,replaying pieces of our great
conversations,laughing at the funnythings
you said or did.     i've memorized your face,
and the wayyou look at mine.i catch myself
smiling again at what i imagine.i wonder
what will happen the  next time that we are
together,  a n d   e v e n  though neither of us
knows what the future holds,         i know one
thing for sure; you are one of the best things
|[♥]|                    that have ever happened to me

Yup. I found that quote and it was sorta kinda perfect. I'm so thankful for someone who just cares. Our chemistry is perfect and he always makes me laugh. But most of all, BEST of all..he cares enough to compromise. And that means the most to me.

My mother is more than right about one thing if anything she's ever told me was true. It'd be that if things don't go my way, the waterworks will start going. THAT is my issue.


And it frustrates my inner child. Such a brat. -__-

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday."

Out of everything there was in that three hour long movie, that's what has stuck in my head the most. I have mixed feelings about the movie though, as I do with everything else. First of all, I'm so very jealous of that bird in the first place. -__- NOT ONLY..did she get one guy to fall in love with her..she got two. :| LUCKY. I don't think love is ever that innocent these days anymore and that's what I get annoyed with. People always think that you're out to hurt them or you'll do them wrong. I'm not saying that people shouldn't be aware of their surroundings or the people they associate with..but Idk..In the past, I've had a lot of trouble dealing with guys I've dated because they would not open up to me because they are scared that I am going to hurt them. AND IT PISSES ME OFF. First of all, it's just so silly. I am not the same damn female[s] you dated in the past so don't treat me like her or them. 
Well..that's not what this blog was initially set out to address. So let me steer it in the right direction. And now i've forgotten what I wanted this to be about. So I'll just type what I'm thinking. Let's begin with me saying: Michael, I'm crazy for you. -__- I like him too much. And it drives me nuts because I never know what he's thinking. I never know how he feels and so I feel like i'm threading softly. I think that's what drives me nuts out of it all. I never know if I should continue what I do because it makes him feel good or stop because it's annoying to him. I'm kind of lost in the fog of it all.

Okay..this blog has turned into crap..because i've forgotten what I was going to say. -________- I'll update on things in my life though.

-I want out of Chemistry. SO BADLY. I hate it now. And chemistry used to be one of my favourite subjects. I HATE THAT SHIT NOW. It's just become confusing and complex and i hate it so much. =[
-I have a thousand dollars worth of projects in the works now. Which is good. and about 1800 set to the side that i'll be working on in the next couple of months. I AM EXCITED.
-Christmas money isn't looking like an issue anymore. :D
-I can't wait for the holidays. I really and truly wish it will make me feel better than I am feeling at the moment. D: IT SHOULD THOUGH. Christmas always makes me happy! And so does thanksgiving..when I have family coming. BUT I DON'T. so =[ =[ =[
-I am in dire need of doing something FUN. i want to go to stone mountain SO badly. AND.AND.AND. the museum. =[
-I can't think of anything material that would make me happy for christmas. I don't think I want anything material. I know what I want though. I just know I won't ever get it. So it's really pointless in asking for it. FAIL. instead, I will get my joy from making others smile.

Mkay..I'm going back to work now. The end. :|


I want to curl up into a ball and make it all go away for just ONE day..-__- I think I may be stressed.

Let's begin by saying, I'm not the typical Catholic girl. I don't follow Catholism by every single hair nor am I overly religious but I do believe in my God with all my heart and soul. Sure, I sin sometimes because some sins, you just can't help. They are fun, point blank. But that's part of being human. We do that. Now without further ado..

Now, I'm noticing it's becoming a trend not to believe in a God or something that is greater than us. I don't understand why though. I spoke to someone and he said: "Religion serves no purpose anymore". Really though? Is that what people like that think? It's so silly to me. Because first of all, I don't see how religion doesn't serve a purpose, I know several people that deal with their trials and tribulations everyday because of the HOPE that God gives them through prayer, a sermon, or what have you. Second of all, I just don't understand atheists. EVEN IF..I did not believe in God, I couldn't fathom not believing in a higher being. The earth is just too intricate down to every tee that I can't even imagine how everything just happened by chance. I'm not being close minded, I'm just being logical. Even down to cells, or even atoms, the way everything is arranged...do you seriously think everything materialized out of thin air? Or even those that believe in evolution, there has to be a creature to begin with. I don't care what the creature is, whether it be a simple thing like an amoeba or a more complex creature like a fish. IT HAD TO COME FROM SOMEWHERE. no? Like..I don't get it. Maybe I never will. It just upsets me how everyone these days is so quick to claim atheism. It's not a cool trend. At all. But I guess people will be people..

O_o

-___________________________-

MINI RANT. so brace yourselves.

School. I don't even think I could possibly describe HOW SICK AND TIRED I am of school. Like..-_______- I can't wait for my art classes next semester. I know I will be less sick and tired of school doing stuff that I really and truly love.

Work. Clients utterly GRIND MY GEARS for the simple fact that they take forever to get me information then want me to magically wave my wrist and have shit done. Like..you take a month to give me the information then want me to be done with your shit in like a week. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. and i will smite anyone that thinks otherwise. stop being unreasonable!!

Michael. We're doing great. I just need to freaking get use to someone who is less..romantic? or adoring than guys I have dated. It's really different because I'm used to guys who will show me off, tell me how nice I look, call me in the nights to discuss our days, and blah blah blah. He's like..not like that. Haha. And it frustrates me sometimes. And I don't necessarily think it's the way he is. But it's just how he is FOR NOW. It's almost like he has a wall up and will not allow me to get over that wall until he trusts me enough? Which is fine, most guys are like that with females because of past corrupt relationships. I can't say I truly am ever in that position because with every new guy i'm like: well, he's different, so i will trust him until he gives me reason not to because i want him to be a good person. -__- and then i get screwed over. -__-
I will continue to treat him like the wonderful person he is though and hope he eventually opens up to me. Because that's all I really and truly want from him. I just want to be there for him. And I hope he understands that.

-___- my michael section is always like super duper long because I have more to say about him than anything else, i guess because he involves my emotions and i feel more strongly about the situation. haha.

Anyhow..my brother has a friend over for the night. And i could not be anymore upset about the situation. He's been having friends over like every weekend and it annoys me. I want them to go away. :| haha.

UPDATE: we talked and all is good in the hood again. I promise i'll be more patient with him because i really don't want to lose him. because that's my babe. :D i know he just needs more time to warm up to me. i know he does. and i don't hold it against him. so besos, baby. we'll keep on working at us. :D


I. am. such. an. impatient. person. lskfjhosidfhnslkdfhjslrtkhj!!

I'm trying! SO HARD. to show that i do care. and i don't feel like i'm getting anything in return. =[ well, i do, i just feel like it's like: "i'll care for you as long as no one else knows" like i have to be a secret. : | UGHHH. i hate this. i really do. i don't know what to do. =\ because it's really and truly making me feel terrible inside because i feel like.., i'm not sure, like i'm not good enough. =[ =[ =[

Ignore the last posting because I was releasing the pessimism I was holding in from last night.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Well..now that the pessimism is done with..Let us continue to the good shit.. I can't wait until next semester! It's going to be fantasticccc. I have mostly art and film classes so I will pretty much be in heaven when I'm in class. :D This update is going to be relatively short so here we go:

-I bought a couple pairs of earrings. :D
-I miss my babyboo, i hope he misses me too. ._. I want him right now, in more ways than one. rawr rawr rawr.
-Boo @ school tomorrow.
-Yayyy @ holiday season.
-I should be getting back my photoshoot pictures tomorrow. :D !
-I want to go to a Stone Mountain Christmas SO badlyyyy. I wonder if michael would think it's corny to ask him to go with me. =\ I'm sort of scared to ask.
-I want to take Michael to dinner for his birthday if he will let me. -__- we'll see.
-I'm def like..wasting time. I'll come back and edit. -__________-

This one really serves no purpose. And I hope no one reads because it's just a menagerie of thoughts. Nothing special.

Where do I even start? I don't know. I have had a bunch of random shit just cluttering my mind. I'll start from the beginning I guess. -__- But there is no beginning..so wtf. Okay..let's start with ex-chat. I've been in contact with Jay as usual. -_- Idk..I don't want to type this here. Haha. I'll do a separate thing for this. It's too long to ramble on here and I feel like it's more personal. MOVING ON..uhm..Michael..we've been good lately. I sort of feel like he's warming up to me sorta, kinda. I can't help but always wonder things though. Idk. =\ =\ =\ I really and truly hate caring for him so much because then i feel obsessive. But if i start to tone it down, I'll become a cold bitch. So it's kinda a hard situation. Idk..=\

fdjkhslkdfjhbsfldjyh !! I feel so sad right now, and I can't explain why. It's sort of a menacing feeling because I want a hug so badly. Or..I just want to talk to someone SO badly..but I hate talking to people about situations like this besides Gabby. like..my best friends..:| let's not even go there. They are both terrible listeners or just don't understand. I would never burden Michael with my thoughts either though. I don't think he likes me enough to listen to me ramble about silly thoughts. -__- Eric, my ex, is really a good listener but lately I haven't been talking to him like i used to either. And..Troy used to be a good listener until I started dating Michael and now he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. =\ Speaking of Troy..he told me the other day that i'm one of the only girls that he could see himself giving his everything to..which was flattering but then again peculiar. For the simple fact that I don't see how you could want to give your everything to me. Lol. Guys I don't want to date are always like open books though. Then the ones that I want, are like clammed up for eternity. -__- [I'm not sure if i find that alluring and then get annoyed by it later on..maybe i freaking do. haha.] And I hate prying because I hate when people pry at me but idk. I'm just typing nonsense now. :| I really don't know what I'm trying to say..I always get blue around this time of the year because I never really truly have a BOYFRIEND..-_________________- Always, I'm dating a guy whom i'm getting to know and it hasn't advanced to boyfriend stage yet..Srsly though? THAT IS ALWAYS THE CASE. :| I'm terrible at this stage in dating because i'm always like..selfish as shit and want to be with the dude all the time. AND THEN..AND THEN..AND THEN, I am like..such a jealous person. O DAMN..forreal though? I'm terrible. Never will I ever display my jealousy for people to know, because I sort of surpress my negative feelings..but geez, i'm horrible. Like..terrible. I get tired of dealing with myself sometimes. :|

CHRISTMAS! -__- and so..i pitched my idea to my brother about what I'd get Michael and he said it'd be a bad idea considering the timeframe we've been dating in. Idk though. I'd probably get it anyway. I'm excited for christmas and then another part of me is like: EH! ;\

I want friendssss. because i totally want to go to stone mountain for christmas as well as to the museum sometime soon. and i don't want to drag michael all over the place and make him feel like he's obliged to go just because I want to go, that's not fair. =\

IDK. fuck this typing shit..i'm just babbling. so blahhhh!

-------------------------------

Update:
-I hate my best friends. :| Sometimes I really do feel like replacing them because they act like they don't care about me.

It's Offical Voting Day! :D And this year will be my first year I vote! Hoorah!

Okay, let's see how fast I can do this! Because I really and truly have like..ALOT to say..and I don't even know if I'll say it all here..but I'll try. I really don't expect anyone to read this, I know some people who do though. O_o

[FamBam Bigelow]
I can't say I have had any complaints or fights lately with my family. We've been fantastic. This passed saturday we went to a charity cocktail party and had a ball! Holiday season is coming up and this is most def family season, I don't even think I can express in words how excited I am for the holiday season! SO MUCH FUN! I srsly don't have anything to say under this section. Haha. [When all is well, i get speechless. -__-']

[School]
Rawr. -__- I'M SICK OF SCHOOL. I want out! Lol. One more damn month to go and it couldn't pass sooner. Philosophy is kicking my ass though. I really need to do well. I'm trying my damn hardest. Gosh. -______________- I'm most def predicting 3 A's and 2 B's. I'd be hella content with that shat, I swear. Haha. I don't feel like rambling on about school though. So i'll

[Lovelife]
n____________n & u__________u I have so much to say here it's not funny like..omg..-__- So i've been dating a new guy since September and his name is Michael. We talked for like two weeks before we went out on our first date and to be honest, i didn't think we'd hit it off like we did. Conversation was amazing and so was physical chemistry and so, we continued to date. Fast forward til now. We're about two - two and a half months in from where we started, and I always have mixed feelings. -__- We've been doing GREAT really, no fighting, no disputes, etcetera etcetera [that really is a sexy word, anyway..]. I really feel like I can say anything around him and not feel stupid or dumb or say something then want to take it back. I feel so comfortable around him. I really do feel like it's a friendship caught on fire [oh oh..bruce lee reference. haha. p.s. here is where i got that from: Love is like a friendship caught on fire.  In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering.  As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.  ~Bruce Lee ] then what is my problem you ask? [you didn't ask, i'm sure you don't care..but this is my blog. so fuck you. :) ] ;lakjfdglajfdg!! I FEEL LIKE I'M FALLING FOR HIM SO FAST! -__________- I wish i could find a flaw so i could be like: ew, that's something i'll have to get used to. But geezums..I admire him for everything he is. He's extremely talented, in which I respect him for, he's a joy to be around, sensual as hell, and i love it. He's dorky when we're fooling around, but he can be serious and knows when it's work time. I just...I don't know. because i'm starting to feel vunerable..like..if he wanted, he could just walk off with another girl..and i'll stand there teary eyed and crying buckets and buckets of pathetic tears. -__- I really like him but i don't like how much i like him for fear that he can always hurt me if he wanted to. [I'd hope he wouldn't want to] And then..in turn, that makes me feel bad because then I feel like I'm not entirely trusting him with my feelings, like i'm constantly looking for signs that he's tired of me or something. What can I expect when everyone else hurts me though? And I know he doesn't want to hurt me..but..=\ Idk man..Idk what to do. And it's not like I can tell him all of this. He'll be like: ew, you crazy hoe. -_- lmao. I need help. Why does this sound just like how I felt with dimitri and every other guy? YOU SEE HOW THAT TURNED OUT. I really don't think I ask for much..srsly though..I don't. All I want is for someone to want me for me, as a whole and not just my physical attributes and in turn, i will return the favour. I don't understand why that is so hard to find these days. people always want something from you, no matter who it is. And that's why I don't keep a lot of friends. But whatever, I'm not going to keep on rambling on about insecurities because I'm honestly sick of myself with that shat. I'll keep going with the flow for as long as i possibly can without crumbling into a pile of nothings [aka insecurities]. I really hope hope hope hope hope this turns into something REAL or lasts..but..eh..we'll see.

It's one of the worst feelings in the world and the tears won't go away.

I hate more than anything when people take something witty you've said and overuse it! I feel like they are taking part of my personality and trying to make it lame. I HATE THAT SHIT! aklfjgklsfjbieghodr!! >=[ Stop taking my personality you unoriginal tard monkeys. :|

-i'm done now-

Damnit..here I go again. It's like 5 o'clock on a Saturday morning and I'm sitting here thinking how LUCKY I am. How  blessed I am. I really don't think I can put into words how much I love my family. I really don't. I would do anything for them, travel to the ends of the earth. They mean so much to me. And I be sure to let them know that everyday. Not every family gets the chance to be as tight knit as we are and I'm so thankful. I hate when I rant about little things not knowing how lucky I am. I can't wait until my father returns in about 12 hours. =) I'm gonna give him a HUGE hug and a kiss letting him know how much I miss him and I appreciate him. I'm so happy that I can realize how lucky I am though. There are some that never realize. I only happen to forget every once in a while. Hehe. Uhm..Updates:

-family is going great as usual. NO fights no squabbles and we are staying as tight knit as ever. My best friendssss. <3
-SCHOOL IS GOING GREAT!!
-Every guy I was involved with romantically before this point in time is history and I will never be revisiting this subject. I'm so serious. I deserve more.
-I have a tinsy tiny crush on someone new. I shalt not reveal his name yet.
-I am so psychedddd for the holiday season!
-Dude..I can't wait until Gabby and I [and whomever else] go to Dialog in the Dark!!
-I'm trying to go to the Cirque du Soleil this January again. I want to pay for my brother as well so I'm trying to save money for GOOD seats for us. Idk if my parents want to go again, but I'll ask.
-I can't wait to go camping next month! Haha. Like..srsly..I'm excited as hell. And..the murder mystery dinner thing for my mom's birthday! It seems all too fun! :D
-I can sit here and ramble on about every single good thing that has been happening in my life..but I won't. Haha. I think I have the gist of it here. I need to shower anyhow. Hehe. -__-

P.s. Operation NO PERM is doing well actually. Not perming my hair is actually making it look better than when it was permed. It looks healthier and shinier. I will dedicate a blog to JUST my hair soon. I will write about the products. =)

Selfishness...

Eats away at a vast majority of the souls that are amongst us today.

It is what fuels my perpetual disappointment in the silly human race.

What can I say though? It's how people are. At least I have my family...


"Although I have the best intentions
I can't predict anyones reactions
So I’ll just do my best
I'll put one foot in front of the other
Keep on moving forward
And let GOD do the rest"

• I like to sit under the blanky and wiggle my toes because I enjoy the warmth so much.
• I like to sit in the sun and soak up the sunshine because it makes me smile.
• I love the smell of hot chocolate, it reminds me of christmas.
• I love the autumn beause it reminds me that Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner.
• I love to draw little hearts in the corners of my notebook papers.
• I love the feeling of when I get a perfect score on a quiz, test, or assignment.
• I am enthralled that the holiday season is rapidly approaching!!! ^___^ x9438958!!
• I love the feeling of cold rain against my warm skin and under the soles of my feet.
• I love the feeling of warm sand or hot concrete/asphalt under my tippy toes [and i tippy toe because it's so hot! XD]
• I love that i want to continue this but I must be sleeping now. So cont. ltr!! <3

:D

Don't worry about yesterday - what happened, how it happened, or even why it happened. We're living for today, building our future for tomorrow. Let's live life, shall we?! :D

I've been feeling great lately! School is going more than great! The people I have been associating myself with lately are people that have been down to earth and real. I'm through with hanging with people who think they are "the shit" or feel that people should treat them a certain way because they feel they are owed that. That's so annoying and egocentric it's not funny. Anyhowww. I started my Capoeira class yesterday and I'm certainly feeling it today, haha. The class is crazy and Gabrielle and I were struggling a bit but you know what? I love it! Learning another culture is always VERY exciting to me. I have kickboxing tomorrow and I'm pretty excited. ^__^

I know, I know, the amount of times Dimitri is mentioned in a journal entry is significantly dwindling. I hardly talk to him now. Perhaps once every 2-3 days versus what used to be everyday. Eh..I'm not sure if he is truly interested in me as a person, and that's a horrid accusation! But the only times he seems to hit me up is when he is in that mood..if you know what I'm talking about. And I don't think he does it particularly on purpose but whatever. I refuse to care if he refuses to care. Ha..

The amount of time that I've been talking to Jabari is noticably dwindling as well. Which is expected, so i'm not surprised. -shrugs-

The weather is pretty damn crummy and has been crummy since it's hurricane season. So lots and lots of rain. I realized today that I enjoy walking in the rain, I just don't enjoy Diana Ross hair once my hair dries. Haha. But the feeling of the cold rain against my warm skin is actually a feeling I enjoy. And I've been noticing with each passing day, simple pleasures like walking in the rain make me feel happy or alive. I can't really explain it, they just do. And I feel like it's a good thing. =]

Update on my hair..Everyone that's been talking to me lately knows that I've given up relaxers and chemicals in my hair as a whole. I am thinking of getting my hair coloured but perhaps in half a year or so, I want to ween my hair out of all the chemicals as a whole before I even consider going lighter with my hair. I perhaps will colour it like May of next year depending on how the growth of my hair does by then. We'll see. I ordered new curlers, oils, and conditioners trying to really take this seriously.  So yea..

[update]
I want to marry John Legend!!
damn, forreal though..where are all the clean cut successful black men like that? :| x3 

I'm no longer doing guy updates publicly until I figure everything out. I'm sure I know which direction I want to go in..It's just not happening as fast as I want it to, and I hope it does. Anyhow, more on this in the private. ^_^

This song is kinda wrapping up how I feel at this point in time. =\ 

Cyrus managed to make me smile today with his response when I asked him if he wanted to chill this week.

Me: Are we gonna chill this week? :]
Him: Hellz yeah. When do you have school?

Lol. The "hellz yeah" made me feel less creepy about wanting to chill with him. He's such an interesting person. He intrigues me, forreal.


Someone posted this under the song lyrics for: Better In Time by Leona Lewis

"recently i have to make a decision to let go of a guy whom i really love. and to make this decision tougher, he wouldn't let me go, wouldn't want to see me walk away, coz i know he loves me too, and he loves me more than he loves himself. sometimes you just can know how a person feels without them having to utter a single word.the reason why is only known to me and him and though i really hope i can be at his side until we both grow old, i know i just have to walk away from this relationship. things are getting too complicated for us. but while i know that, i just can't imagine what life will i lead when i won't be able to hear his voice again, to not kiss him again, to not get to look him straight in the eyes and tell him just how much this poor girl loves you, loves you more than there are water in the ocean.
this song lifts my spirit in such a way that while we can't be together here on earth, i pray to God that someday, in other lifetime, we will get to be together again and will never have to let go.And i also pray that God will give me the strength to be apart from him while i'm still alive in this lifetime."

That shit..smh. I don't even want to comment. If you know me..you'd probably understand how I parallel to this shit.

Like I said though..this is the last of my past heartaches you will ever hear. MOVING ON! right, right! <3