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13 September 2008 @ 05:04 am
♥ Love. My. Life.  

Damnit..here I go again. It's like 5 o'clock on a Saturday morning and I'm sitting here thinking how LUCKY I am. How  blessed I am. I really don't think I can put into words how much I love my family. I really don't. I would do anything for them, travel to the ends of the earth. They mean so much to me. And I be sure to let them know that everyday. Not every family gets the chance to be as tight knit as we are and I'm so thankful. I hate when I rant about little things not knowing how lucky I am. I can't wait until my father returns in about 12 hours. =) I'm gonna give him a HUGE hug and a kiss letting him know how much I miss him and I appreciate him. I'm so happy that I can realize how lucky I am though. There are some that never realize. I only happen to forget every once in a while. Hehe. Uhm..Updates:

-family is going great as usual. NO fights no squabbles and we are staying as tight knit as ever. My best friendssss. <3
-SCHOOL IS GOING GREAT!!
-Every guy I was involved with romantically before this point in time is history and I will never be revisiting this subject. I'm so serious. I deserve more.
-I have a tinsy tiny crush on someone new. I shalt not reveal his name yet.
-I am so psychedddd for the holiday season!
-Dude..I can't wait until Gabby and I [and whomever else] go to Dialog in the Dark!!
-I'm trying to go to the Cirque du Soleil this January again. I want to pay for my brother as well so I'm trying to save money for GOOD seats for us. Idk if my parents want to go again, but I'll ask.
-I can't wait to go camping next month! Haha. Like..srsly..I'm excited as hell. And..the murder mystery dinner thing for my mom's birthday! It seems all too fun! :D
-I can sit here and ramble on about every single good thing that has been happening in my life..but I won't. Haha. I think I have the gist of it here. I need to shower anyhow. Hehe. -__-

P.s. Operation NO PERM is doing well actually. Not perming my hair is actually making it look better than when it was permed. It looks healthier and shinier. I will dedicate a blog to JUST my hair soon. I will write about the products. =)
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Current Location: Sitting at my PC for once. =o
Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: Black Eyed Peas - Where Is The Love
 
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26 August 2008 @ 11:22 pm
She's Addicted To Success Because That's What Gets Her High  
Don't worry about yesterday - what happened, how it happened, or even why it happened. We're living for today, building our future for tomorrow. Let's live life, shall we?! :D

I've been feeling great lately! School is going more than great! The people I have been associating myself with lately are people that have been down to earth and real. I'm through with hanging with people who think they are "the shit" or feel that people should treat them a certain way because they feel they are owed that. That's so annoying and egocentric it's not funny. Anyhowww. I started my Capoeira class yesterday and I'm certainly feeling it today, haha. The class is crazy and Gabrielle and I were struggling a bit but you know what? I love it! Learning another culture is always VERY exciting to me. I have kickboxing tomorrow and I'm pretty excited. ^__^

I know, I know, the amount of times Dimitri is mentioned in a journal entry is significantly dwindling. I hardly talk to him now. Perhaps once every 2-3 days versus what used to be everyday. Eh..I'm not sure if he is truly interested in me as a person, and that's a horrid accusation! But the only times he seems to hit me up is when he is in that mood..if you know what I'm talking about. And I don't think he does it particularly on purpose but whatever. I refuse to care if he refuses to care. Ha..

The amount of time that I've been talking to Jabari is noticably dwindling as well. Which is expected, so i'm not surprised. -shrugs-

The weather is pretty damn crummy and has been crummy since it's hurricane season. So lots and lots of rain. I realized today that I enjoy walking in the rain, I just don't enjoy Diana Ross hair once my hair dries. Haha. But the feeling of the cold rain against my warm skin is actually a feeling I enjoy. And I've been noticing with each passing day, simple pleasures like walking in the rain make me feel happy or alive. I can't really explain it, they just do. And I feel like it's a good thing. =]

Update on my hair..Everyone that's been talking to me lately knows that I've given up relaxers and chemicals in my hair as a whole. I am thinking of getting my hair coloured but perhaps in half a year or so, I want to ween my hair out of all the chemicals as a whole before I even consider going lighter with my hair. I perhaps will colour it like May of next year depending on how the growth of my hair does by then. We'll see. I ordered new curlers, oils, and conditioners trying to really take this seriously.  So yea..

[update]
I want to marry John Legend!!
damn, forreal though..where are all the clean cut successful black men like that? :| x3 
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Current Music: John Legend - Green Light
 
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31 July 2008 @ 07:14 pm
Au Naturale..No more lyes.  
For the passed couple of years I've used No-Lye relaxer in my hair and lately I've noticed horrid changes in my hair in terms of length and texture [see right for how LONG my hair was]. My hair is getting shorter and shorter and the texture is not where as close to as healthy as it used to be. So I've decided to go natural. So no more no-lye relaxers for my hair. No more chemicals, period. There probably won't even be a difference to other people whether my hair is natural or not, considering the fact that my mom is asian, black, and east indian...my hair is not textured like women who are 100% african american so my hair doesn't fro no matter how much you try to blow dry it. Nor is my hair nappy at all. So, me perming my hair was pretty much pointless. That there is the advantage, if even you want to call it that because I find afros to be adorable. However, because I am mixed, It's hard for me to find products that work well for my type of hair. I can't go with products that are strictly for african americans because 99% of the time the product is too strong for my hair. Then I can't use products made for thinner hair because it's too light. So I really have to do a trial and error thing every time I try to find a new product for my hair.  I've been doing research for the passed couple of days, though and I've found a couple of products that can be deemed worthy of a try. Through several reviews and then I heard Rebekah talk about them in her vlog. 



I promise I'll try these and tell you all what I think of them once I've used them. Every review I've read was either 4.5 stars or 5 stars. I've tried several sites as well so as to not just read the biased ones. I'm excited to see how my hair will respond to these. I'm washing my hair tomorrow to start off my experiment. They're organic based products so I shouldn't have anything to worry about.

 

At this very moment, I'm sitting here waiting for my clay mask to dry. Freeman Avocado & Oatmeal Purifying Clay Masque is simply wonderful. You just apply it to your face [of course avoiding lips and eye areas] and wait for approximately 10-15 minutes then wash off with warm water. SIMPLE! In addition to being simple, the scent is VERY pleasant and it goes on smooth. Most of all, It's inexpensive. I paid about 5 bucks for mine and it's quite a large tube [6 Fl Oz]. I'm not even a huge fan of clay masques but when I did a pageant about two years ago, my stylist recommended it and I've been using it ever since. It gets my skin smooth and works pretty well with purging out pores. I wouldn't recommend it for acne so much but if you are looking for a mask to take care of your pores, this would be it. I give it two thumbs up for scent, cost-effectiveness, as well as functionality.



Okay..onto life matters, I'm finishing up school in which I'm super damn excited for! Tomorrow I'll be in cali, in fact around this time [8:04] I'll be at the airport going through security and such. [You know how the airport is. ] As far as school goes, I'll be getting two A's as far as I know. Sociology..I should get a high B in, which is good enough for me. Haha. That class was pretty hard to me. And it really sucked.  Well I'm not going to say that. The work load was pretty sucky though. Haha. I didn't even start packing for my vacation as yet! Oh my, I have so much do to tomorrow. School, washing my hair, as well as packing! I have quite the workload cut out for me.  I'll get through it though, especially since my reward is lovely cali! Tehe! Let's see, my lovelife is still sucking to be quite frank. I recently found Cyrus on facebook. Cyrus is a guy I met about a year and a half ago at a party in high school. I always thought he was cute but didn't approach for two reasons. A. I thought he wouldn't be my type. and B. Taleesa was crushing and we were close at that point in time. Both of those things don't matter anymore for the simple fact that Cyrus is more of my type than I thought and Taleesa and I aren't really close friends like that anymore, which kind of sucks..but yeah. I'm not sure if he's feeling me back or if he's putting up with me just to be friendly. Lol. We are supposed to hang out when I come back from Cali and I'm uber stoked for that. I hope everything goes smoothly! [I'll keep you guys updated!] He's an intriguing person though, he's vegan and a video game nerd like I am! He doesn't smoke or drink [what a relief!] and he shares my believes when it comes to family and 'sex' [how taboo to talk about when you're first getting to know a person, but yea..i went there. AND WHAT?! lol!]. I'm not going to say I'm crushing on him, it's too soon for that, however he does spark my interest. He's an interesting individual and I want to get to know him better, yes. Anyhow, family relations are going well of course. Everyone is getting along and we'll be even closer when we come back from this vacation. I know we will. I love them all so much.  I'm about to go shower and wash this masque off of my face though. It's been entirely too long. I'll update tonight or tomorrow, whenever I feel like I have something to say!
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Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: Flaming Lips - Do You Realize
 
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28 July 2008 @ 05:00 am
White Flag And A Pinch Of Rudeness.  
Saturday we went to the aquarium and zoo which was amazingly awesome. I have a video and pictures I'll post when I can get them off my laptop. =\ I'm very sad my laptop charger isn't working. =[ Like..VERY VERY saddd..

Dimitri..I really don't know how I feel about him anymore. His situation is on standby. I like how he doesn't even say anything to me on yahoo anymore. Like..just what the hell ever with that situation. It frustrates me because it's like when I try to get closer to him, he pushes me away even harder. Then when I stop paying attention to him, that's when he wants to pay me attention. -_- I'm tired of freaking games honestlyyyy. I don't know why it can't just be like: Aubree, I like you..Let's get to know each other. SMH!! :|

I need some new friends. Like..Jabari is great and all..but he's been becoming less and less talkative lately because of his new love interest [whom I don't like]. Which is not unusual for the way he gets when he DOES get a new love interest. He does tend to neglect. Which I'm fine with because that's just the way he is and I've come to accept that. But I need new friends. -_- Which is odd for me to say because I've never been an advocate of 36596 friends and I don't even want that many. Maybe 2 or 3 new ones, I'm working on it. Lol. Gabrielle, she's a great friend and cool to talk to. We have a lot in common which is always cool. I should meet more people this year though. I has big plans. ;D

It's my last week of SCHOOL!! YAYYYY! I'll be away from atl this friday and I'm freaking excited. There's nothing wrong with atlanta but I need a break from it all. SRSLY! Goshhhh.

Uhmmm..Not sure if I feel like rambling on now..I'm sleepy. I'll pick up from here tomorrow!! >_< 

P.S. My horoscope says: "Any confusion you've been experiencing is starting to fade. Things are clearing up"
Surprising..especially since it seems to be right. Harhar..Horoscopes are funny pieces of shit. >_<

 P.S.S. AHHHH!! I can't believe I didn't mention this. Maybe because I'm blogging about this way after it happened but my daddy finally came home on saturday! WEEEEE!! <3 I'm so happyyyy! :D Now we can be the happy foursome again. ^_^
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Current Music: Lyfe Jennings - Hypothetically
 
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25 July 2008 @ 09:46 pm
Three Is Not A Magic Number =[ , But Family Is A Magic Word.  

...And so..I just received news that my father will not be home from NY tonight! =[ I'm so freaking bummed..like srsly!! I was looking forward to seeing him!! And it's so funny because we've only been away from each other for like a couple of days now. But I miss him like MAD. And my father and I weren't even close up until this year. And I love it. I love how close we are and I wouldn't change it for the WORLD. I used to take what I had for granted. I have both a mother and father who actually want me around. Who aren't in a hurry to shove me out of their house like 99% of American parents. Who are happy just having a nice family dinner and spending quality family time. They make me so happy and I'm so thankful! And now, living on campus doesn't seem all that glitzy without my backbone being with me. I'm printing off the cancellation form myself tonight and turning it in on monday. If me moving out of this house will cause ruckus, I don't want to do it. I don't want to mess up what we have together. Teenagers as a whole are just ungrateful little shits. They want to get really far from their parents so they can party & sex. Well..at the moment, my parents are becoming more open to the dating scene and accepting the fact that I am indeed getting older. So screw dorm life..I don't need it. And I surely won't bitch about moving out to move into a 5 by 5 room with a matchbox sized bed. Plz. The more I asked myself what's the real reason I want to move out, the more I couldn't provide a solitary answer. I only kept on making excuses for moving out. It used to be: "I want to move out to be with Jerod" Why is it that whenever I think about what Jerod and I had.....I'm not sure. it sort of drew me away from my parents. I was a 16 year old trying to seclude myself from my parents. How stupid. Independent or not, I always want my parents and brother to be my best friends. I don't care who I'm dating, what I'm doing, where I'm living...They need to be in my life. Speaking of brother..We agreed we'd get a tatt of two A's intertwined when he turns 18. Which is going to be awesome. I'll be saving a spot either on my right or left shoulder blade for that tattoo. I'm not even sure if I want anything else tatted on me at the moment to be honest. Nothing else comes as close to important as the matching tattoo I will be getting with my brother. <3 I love him sooooooooooooooooooooooo MUCH! I swear, I always want to be my brother's best friend no matter what. He's the best ever. And I love him. And I wouldn't trade him for the world. Even though I used to wish he was a girl when he was younger. Lolz. He's amazing. I'm already thinking of ways to surprise him this christmas! I love my baby bear! And the smile on his face is better than any gift in the whole world. Family love is the best love ever. And my eyes keep on filling with tears I'm so thankful for what I have.

In other news, I'm swamped in work. ;__; and Finals week is next week! Yayyyy! And california on fridayyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other other news, I made a promise to myself to stop settling for less and stop stressing over if guys want to be stupid. For those of you who have been wondering, I haven't been talking to Dimitri like I have been. Which is funny because we used to talk almost every day and now that I did admit that I liked him. We don't talk at all. Which is fine. Shit happens. There are so many guys trying to "holler" right now and none of them are my type. AT ALL. I'm not dating party promoters, rappers, sneakerheads, pant-saggers, or any other stereotypical black guys. I'm just not. It's stupid. I figure if I wait around long enough, I'll bump into someone that is worth my time. He's simply not here yet! >_< I need to find him where ever he is.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT!! Where do all the beautiful brothers on television come from?! I'm so serious. You never see guys that look like that in real life and in the rare occasion that you do, he's a biggest jackass that you ever did meet in your Godforesaken life. I am convinced that these handsome brown beauties come from some uncharted island located in some desolate area of the ocean. They probably prance around topless with their beautiful brown pecks glistening under the warm sunrays. -sigh- I will find that island. And I will take a few of them for myself. Like a buffet, and I'll load my damn plate. >_>

I'm about to look shittastic this week for I'm saving the cute stuff for cali! Lol!

Tomorrow we [Baby bear, Shellen, Jabari, And I] are going to the zoo and the aquarium! Bet your bottom dollar I'll have tons of photos up on flickr!! ;D

Okay..Spanish homework timeee!! xD <3
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21 July 2008 @ 12:24 pm
Weeee...  
I got an 142% on my spanish quiz..I pretty much rock. And I'll be happy for the rest of the day. ^___^ Good grades really put a grin on my face. :D I'll update laterrrz.  

[It's 1:22pm] Do you know what I hate? When people who you try to form conversation with on a daily basis act like they don't have much to say..But when they criticize you..they have MUCH to say. Gayyyy. That's happened twice for the day. How bigoty. Like..srsly. Get outta here!
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Current Location: University Library
Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: Sam Sparrow - Black & Gold
 
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21 July 2008 @ 05:56 am
Here we goooo..  
Otay otay..It's been quite a while and I have videos..I just haven't put them together..I have much to say, I'm just not sure if it'll all come out right now but I'll try. Let's start out with family. Family is going great! Shellen is here until we leave to go back home with him and it's been fun. [: Everyone has been one big happy family though..no complaints! ^_^ My tolerance is at zero right now though. And this is disregarding everything. School, boys, friends, foes, martians, celebs, etc. etc. I am not taking shit from anyone. And It's kind of frustrating me because like..I snapped at my brother, cousin and mother pretty quick today because I'm just so agitated. Maybe it's school. Okay..second order of business which would be school. I'm doing FABULOUS in school. I'm def keeping my three a's and if no one else will be proud of me..i'll be proud of my damn self! YAY. =] Everyone has been inquiring about Dimitri. "how are you two doing?" "have you even gotten to see each other?" "how are you two getting along?" To be honest? I don't know what the hell to think anymore. He's really busy and I don't even know if he's feeling me anymore. I would come right out and ask but like..WHEN do I even talk to him? neverrrr. smh. lol. I'll leave that subject open. I've been getting a lot of "I like you"/"I think you're an interesting person, lemme get to know you" from a lot of guys lately. And isn't it just fucking expected when I get attention from the guys I don't give two shits about but the ONE guy that I want to give my attention to, doesn't have the time of day for me? uhm..yea..how so very typically Aubree's Luck. With that said, I'm abstinent until I'm in a relationship. POINT BLANK. No exceptions, etc. etc. Ya! I'm serious this time. I absolutely DESPISE sexual contact with anyone I'm not in a relationship with. It makes me feel dirty and forms unnecessary feelings! I recently broke my phone [treo] and replaced it. I love the replacement even more than my original. lol. Uhm..Not too sure what else I can ramble on about but I'm SO sleepy..I'll be SURE to blog tomorrow! 
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07 July 2008 @ 03:03 am
Darkness.  

This won't be a full blog until tomorrow. But motherfuck my ceiling fan! It bailed on me..I'm sitting here in the dark now. =[ How whack!

Oh ya..and I was bored yesterday and I wrote this..

This you...this drug.
I'm hooked. Bad habit.
This you...this change.
I'm hooked. An addict.
This you...this love.
I need it. Must have it.
This hit...this trip...
This need that cracked
The addict.

Lol. I'm no writer..but I do write whenever it comes to mind. O.o

I'll add to this later. Vlog for sureee. =]

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04 July 2008 @ 11:06 pm
A Great Day! =]  



From Tonight...

 

I pretty much said everything I needed to say further up. You know what I'm sick of though? I'm sick of people thinking i'm just some shallow empty-headed chick. Lol. It's stupid, because I don't have meaningful conversations with you...that means that I'm incapable of that, right? Get outta here with that. Geez. 

*Update* They found a car body with frontal damage and they'll be fusing that with the existing car body they have [with the damage to the rear]. So my car will be here sooner than i thought! ^__^

*Random* I miss my sister SO much!! =[ She comes this month for a weekend and hopefully I'll get to see her! I'm excited to see her, I don't think words can explain how bummed I am that her father made her stay in Philly for college! She was supposed to be coming down here, but oh well, I love her anyway!!

*Random 2* My dad swerved to save a bunny this morning..I thought we were gonna die.

*Random 3* I haven't spoken to Dimitri in a while now. Hm..I wonder what he's up to. Haha.

*Random 4* My exes are WHACK. Every single last one of them. Lol. It sucks, really. Haha. I can't even hold a conversation with any of them. Which sucks because I like to remain friends with people! But I guess you can't win them all.

P.S. My fireworks pictures were awesome from tonight!









And I did a self-portrait!



Different people have said different things about this picture. 
Some have said I look like I'm crying. Idk..maybe. Lol. O.o

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Current Music: Who Am I To Say? - Hope
 
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02 July 2008 @ 11:09 pm
...O.o  
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30 June 2008 @ 11:09 pm
Pessimism, Dimitri, and School! OH MY!  

 Okay..I haven't blogged in a WHILE now! Want to know why? Because I have so much going on in my head, it'd probably take me DAYS to type the shit out in details. I'll do one private blog [for intimate love life details] and the other public addressing the other stuff.

Where do I even begin? I'm over freddy..like TOTALLY over..fuck him and his pierced whore he wanted to run off with. Fuck him and all of his broken promises. WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY FIRST POINT! why am i always being screwed over? honestly..i'm sick of it. And sometimes I even wonder if I should even pursue a love life at all. Yea..sure..everyone says: YOU'RE ONLY EIGHTEEN, DEAR. Fact of the matter is, I've gone through too much for my age. TOO MUCH. And i suppose a vast majority could be blamed on me..I guess..If you wanted to take it there. Is it my faulty that i'm innocently loyal to those I love? So damn loyal that it becomes obliviousness [is that even like..a damn word?]..but ya..I mean..fuck..Honestly, I think i'm a pretty sweet gyal. I'm so totally not even tooting my own horn. But I mean..I think I'm a good catch. Sure..I'm a lil nutty..Okay..not a little. A LOTTA bit. But really..I'm not that crazy if you're good to me. I only get bitch if i'm hurt. =[ Which happens too often for comfort. Uhm..like ya..I'm so totally a nice girl though. I believe in GOD, I put my family first, education is hella important..I don't even smoke at all or drink regularly..But the whores who do get guys who treasure them..then what about me? What about the good girl? Like..fuck that. The world is ten kinds of messed up. Okay..point number two! Why is it like so hard to find someone to love me back? I curse my damn big heart that causes me to love people TOO easily. and that shit is annoying! Okay..let's be real. I'm not like other girls. Once I have someone that loves me for me..and I love him back..I really don't give a fuck if he buys me things or we go places or blah blah blah. Is it a crime to be wanted? I really don't think so. Ugh..it's just frustrating. Like, i get all my hopes up and then they come crashing back down REALLY quickly. And it's a sickening feeling because i never know who to trust. I never know who is genuine. Who REALLY wants to go there with me or if it's all a facade to lead up to us two rubbing against each other, sweating, screaming "oh baby, fuck me harder". I can't deal with this. I really can't. I don't like how that's what a relationship is these days..Fucking. Like..whatever happened to holding each other's hands and being happy you're in the person's presence? Am I the only one who wants innocent love? Okay..yes..sex is fun. HELLA fun. But I just think people put too much emphasis on it..like totally. =[

Okay..So let's continue with the updates..I said I wasn't with freddy anymore already..I said he could go jump off a cliff and I'd probably shrug my shoulders and turn the other cheek.HE SUCKS. Want to know who doesn't suck though? Dimitri. He's been fabulous to me lately. Want to know the part that sucks about this situation now? The fact that I don't know if this is going to last or not. Or even if it's real..or even if it's fake..or if I"m just there to be there. Or if I just intrigue him then once he gets bored with me, he'll prance off to the next chick. Okay..yes..he's been WONDERFUL lately. Nice to talk to, nice to hug, nice to kiss, touch, and so on and so forth. But I don't know if it means as much to him as it does to me. And I want to jump right in and ask, but how demented would I look? fuck that. Lol. I'm trying to ride this out to see where it goes. But as time goes on..I won't even want to so much as look him in the eyes for fear of getting attached and then dumped again. Okay..lemme dump the pessimistic aura of this blog for just a second to gloat about how sweet he was to me. I spent the day with him on friday..[27th]. He's sillier than i thought, he's cuddlier than i thought, he's more romantic than i thought. I can REALLY see myself with him, but I don't know if he's trying to go there..Dimitri is one thing..and then his ART..ooo..lawdie. That's another thing. It's like a two for one special. Hot black man + artistic abilities = Aubree's orgasm. I love it. He's so amazing with the camera, and I guess that's what I REALLY love..that I can see into his soul, see what he was trying to capture. And that's the beauty of art. Okay..so like..enough about Mitty in the public blog, we'll get LOTS of him in the private one. lol.

Okay..fuck love life stuff for now. lol.

FAMILY!! Idk what to say here. Lol. Everyone is doing great, obviously..I love it. No bickering and everyone is so in love! =] Shellen comes in three weeks and i'm so totally excited!!

SCHOOLLLL! Let me be the first one to say, i'm doing DAMN well in school right now. I'm SO excited..like totally! My average in spanish to date is 98.2! DUDEEEE..wtf?! How rad am I? And I got an A on my sociology test. I was so surprised! lol. I'm overall pleased with myself at the moment with school. I'm so amazing. -pats back- YAY!

Let's see..I don't think I can think of anything worth mentioning here..I recently went shopping. I bought some jeans and shirts, and one pair of sneaks!

*Random* There was a big ass turtle outside yesterday. I wanted to keep him SO badly..Like keep him in my room to play with at nights. I wanted to name him Timmy. =[ Daddy wouldn't let me keep him though..and I was quite the unhappy camper!! We took him down to the backyard and let him go though.

*Random x2* My mom killed a squirrel two days ago. :| I wanted to stop to see if it was okay..that's horrid!!

*Random x3* I'm filling out an application to volunteer at grady on fridays tonight! ^_^ YAY.

*Random x4* I am going to KILL Brian if he keeps on blowing up my phone. It's one of those things where you're like: i'm not interested. But he thinks he has what it takes to actually persuade me otherwise. GET OUTTA HERE WITH THAT!!

*Random x5* Some bitch on myspace took my pictures the other day! I had to go out of my way and do a proof picture so she would get rid of the fake profile. Lawd..

Okay..I think I'll end this here..I could go on listing shit forever..But like..Yea..Lol.

OMGSH..P.S. Saturday..Old Navy had $1 flip flops. My mom and I turn up to go see what they had..NOTHING!! The shelves were SO totally cleaned out..like what the fuck?! Stupid bitches. lol.

P.S.S. I needed to let the pessimism out. So I can get back to being happy. No more..I promise!!

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13 June 2008 @ 10:07 pm
I'm Trying, Love. I Really Am.  
 [It's 8:42 am] my morning totally started off horrible. I didn't sleep much do to doing homework (which I was really working on this time). Anyhow, I innocently forgot to clean the dishwasher & sink last night and boy were my parents angry. It's one thing with being angry but I hate when they essentially tell me i'll be a failure at life because of a miniscule thing like that. Like.. I already don't feel like I'm enough for the world..go ahead and crush my esteem even more. And it's like the harder I try at something, the more I fail at another something and I end up feeling totally incompetent. I tried hard not to cry..but fission mailed. ;_; Anywayyy..on the way to the train station, hopefully my day gets better. 

[It's 10:08 pm] My day went well besides me missing my stop on the train. Lol. I got two assignments back in spanish and I got A's on both of them. I feel like I'm doing great so far and I'm proud of myself even if no one else will be. Haha. Class went by fast today and I enjoyed it. Even though she gives a lot of work. I sort of like that class. I like the people I'm meeting and such. I had to chug an energy drink to stay awake. Lol. I fell asleep around 2 and woke up around 7ish. I haven't been doing much since then.

[Family] Eh..I listed out current problems at the top. Everyone is all friendly again but yea..besides our squabbles we've been great. My brother takes the ACT tomorrow.We are going to dinner tomorrow night for father's day. I'm très excited! <3

[Freddy] We've been doing well, besides my ranting private entries. In fact, I'm not going to lie..I've had not too pleasant thoughts about the two of us lately. Doubting thoughts. And just downright thoughts that make me cry. I'm trying my hardest to trust him. I really am. He's wonderful, perhaps the most wonderful guy around my age I've ever had the pleasure to converse with. And he's so sweet. It almost feels like a too good to be true thing and even if he was true..It's funny thinking that I'm the one he chose. I was reading my sociology homework about phrases that contradict each other and two of them were: "Out of sight, out of mind" and the other "Distance makes the heart grow fonder". Of course that made me ponder about us. :( But august is coming super fast and I'm too damn excited. <3 I can only hope and pray that we work out. I don't think I can take another heartbreak. =/

[Other thoughts] I upset myself in class yesterday when I was sitting in sociology and my mind started to wonder. Idk if I got a flashback or something but I suddenly began to hear the words my cousin whispered in my ears as he molested me and I almost had to get up and walk out. My eyes began to fill with tears and I had to blink them away. Fuck i'm demented. =/ 

[It's 3:39 AM] I'm so totally disappointed that I hardly spoke to Freddy today. =/ Especially after a slightly disappointing day. But whatever. I know his world doesn't revolve around me..so like whatever. lol.
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Current Mood: optimistic
 
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01 May 2008 @ 11:34 pm
Vision..Finals?  
 TODAY WAS HORRID! Like..there is no other way to explain it. Let's start out with this morning. As soon as I got on the train I knew something was wrong. My stomach began to HURT. I ate my sandwich I had with me for lunch because I had figured I was just hungry. So I ate and continued to study my government but my stomach hurt too much to continue. So I opted to just stop until we reached downtown. We reached downtown and I just kept on moaning asprin because my stomach was hurting SO bad. We get to class and I sit down to take our first final [government]. I was doing well for the first 10 questions, maybe even 12 but after that, all hope was freaking lost. My vision became SO blurry and I got super dizzy. I raised my hand to get up and I went to the bathroom to see if I just needed a little walk or something but my vision just became more and more blurry as the time went on. I totally felt like i was going to black out any time soon. I held on though, I didn't want to let myself faint. I carefully walked back to the class and took what I could actually see of my final which was a totally stupid idea, I should have let myself faint so I wouldn't have to grope my way through the exam because I failed HORRIBLY. I had already knew i was going to. My film final didn't go very well either because I was still feeling a little sick. I don't know what the hell came over me, maybe just exhaustion. My art history final wasn't even today and that was huge mistake number two. I didn't see that it said TUESDAY on the syllabus instead of thursday so I went banging on an empty door. Lucky for me the professor is going to let me take the final on Monday! He's so niceee!! Anyway, I don't know what to think about my grades in my classes now. =[ We'll see...
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Current Mood: frustrated
 
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25 April 2008 @ 11:40 pm
Chargin Mah Lazer?  

So it's totally like 6:30 in the morning the NEXT day after the one i'm about to blog about but so the hell what? I don't know how to exactly explain the feeling I had all day but it wasn't exactly a good one. Sort of like when you feel like something is gonna go wrong but you just don't know what..Yea, one of those. However, I still haven't figured what is gonna go wrong yet, in fact, if i really wanna get technical with it..i've been having this feeling for the past week. And I sort of feel bad because i keep on second guessing freddy thinking it's something with him that's gonna go wrong. but you know what? FUCK whatever was supposed to go wrong and fuck this feeling. it makes me feel crummy. Also, since we're on the subject of bad feelings...I hate how i'm falling for freddy so fast. Yea..he's a good guy but no, I don't like this falling fast shit. Makes me feel vunerable. I probably am though, I always have been sort of vunerable but I've always made it the point to look like a tough girl. No crying in front of others nor no telling others what's wrong with me. The crying is for the weak and so is whimpering about our issues. Idk what my problem is though. Why I feel I need to act tough...or even why I like to cry to myself and bottle my emotions. It's sort of indescribable, really.  

Anyway..now onto my day. It was great. I changed my bedsheets! Brother and I went to panther prowl tonight. It was nice while it lasted. Laser tag and a bunch of other games! Free hotdogs, chips, and ice tea [fucking gross]! Then afterwards I took him to McDonald's with Jabari. Tomorrow night we have a comedy show with bruce bruce! Which is gonna be awesomeee. i feel like i need a break though. i'm so tired of thinking period. i want someone to lock me in a bubble for like 2 days straight. just no one else, no problems, no worrying about how my love life is gonna turn out. just me, myself and i. that sounds good. we're going on the last week of school though! FINALLYYYY. 

Fambam is good and so are me and freddy despite me being a bitch and accusing him of lying.

And so, I find myself completely and utterly obsessed with joining this one soror [i'm not gonna post which one, never know who may be reading]. But I've been doing my homework and I find the more I find out about the soror, the more I want to join. I think i want this more than anything now.

And..I'm going for the catwalk thing next semester with Infinite Appeal at my university which is gonna be really cool. The workshop is next month and I'm pretty excited! 

I think that's the end of my updates. =]

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Current Mood: confused
 
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21 April 2008 @ 02:03 am
Hurt pt. 2  
I won't mention directly in this entry why i'm exactly "hurt" simply because I don't want to air it on the net. But i'll do an update on everything. school is ending in two weeks and i'm SOOO ready to be out. The fambam is fabulous and so is freddy. I don't really have much else to say besides vent on what the hell i need to vent on..so here we go..

Edit:: This song is exactly how i feel. It's frustrating really. O_O funny how that works..when songs speak how you feel.

eva avila lyrics - should i fall

It's 3 a.m.
And I've been thinking
What we're all about
I gotta tell you
I'm halfway
Between hope and doubt
Am I goin' overboard
Pushing just a little too hard
Don't want to give it all away
But hey

I admit to being afraid
Falling hard and being played
My heart is saying just let go
But I don't know

[Chorus:]
Should I fall
Open up and give it all
Should I fall
Should I fall
Don't know what I'll do
Should I fall for you

There's a part of me
Saying take a chance
Tell you everything
Then the other side
Says be cool
Hold back something
I'm not into playing games
I'm hoping that you feel the same
I'd like to get close tonight
But only if it's right
Won't somebody tell me how
I'm supposed to hold back now
Am I past the point of saying
Let's wait?

[Chorus:]
Should I fall
Open up and give it all
Should I fall
Should I fall
What I'll do when it all falls through
Should I fall for you

Mmm, Should I fall for you? Mmm..

I've been holding back so long
What I feel can't be wrong
Once we start it'll be too late
And love will carry us away
Should I fall for you baby
And you know you know it's true

[Chorus:]
Should I fall
Should I fall for you?
Should I fall for you baby?
Should I fall
Tell me should I, what I do when it all comes through
Should I fall for you, Oh
Don't know what I'll do

You got me going crazy
'Cause I'm falling for you baby
And I don't know what to do
What happens if it all falls through

Should I fall, should I fall
Open up and give it all
Should I fall, don't know what I'll do
Should I fall for you
Should I fall for you

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Current Mood: scared
 
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07 April 2008 @ 03:50 am
Happyyy! <3  
 UGHHHH..This is my second time typing this bullshit. I accidently clicked on something. Anyway..I don't have much to say, everything has been picture perfect. Family, School, Freddy ,  Exercising and All. It's all perfect. I'll type details later.

P.S. Look at baby in his new glasses! d'awww..


P.S.S. This week was very productive. $200 worth of productivity that is. I hope i can continue to do this because i'll be able to splurge on baby when he comes in august and paying for dorms will be NO problem!  

P.S.S.S. YUMMMMM. Triple chocolate twix icecream and lowfat vanilla [see..healthy! or something like that.]  
 
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Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Leona Lewis - Bleeding the Love
 
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03 April 2008 @ 04:16 am
Beach Whale.  
My day was fabulous, until a couple of minutes when i looked in the mirror and I saw my body. I'm utterly disgusted. I'm a fucking fatass fuck and it's making me extremely insecure and lowering my self-esteem. [it doesn't help when people tease either. ] I'm making changes. NOW. And definitely before summer more specifically August.  Fuck this weight, and fuck looking like a brown kirby!

P.S. I got a B+ on my History Exam. I'm so excited!

P.S.S. This was a declaration of kicking up my exercise regimine.
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Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Tick-tock-tick-tick-tock :|
 
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02 April 2008 @ 04:30 am
Such A Great Day!! <3  
Today was fabulousss!! I got a B on my government paper and an A on my film paper! YAYYY! I love it.  Fambam is doing great now everyone is getting along well which is perfect! I feel like i'm on cloud 9, or I have been lately everything has been going SO smooth.  No lovelife issues, school issues, social issues, financial issues, or family issues. Everything has been GREAT! Due to some of it being Freddy of course! He makes me generally a happier person.  Baby is finally better from his cold which is good. I feel like we are getting closer! A day ago I deleted all of the male models off of my laptop, which is a big step because even with Jay I still had them. Hm..Freddy got me under his spell. hehe. I'm so thankful for everything I have and I be sure to let GOD know every night. My life is perfect, no questions asked.
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31 March 2008 @ 05:06 am
AHHH!! >=[  
Today wasn't the best day. Starting with this morning, fight broke out between my parents and my brother. Everyone is better now though. I ended up spraining my ankle from horsing around with my brother. I didn't really do much today besides sleep and study. I'm still studying now and stuff..so i'll blog later! I so totally have a story to tell!!

Edit [7:47AM]// My ankle feels like it's getting worse. I'm limping now (I wasn't before). So..uhm..yea..fucking fabulous. Not rly.  I still didn't sleep either, I don't think I will, I can't risk sleeping! 
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Current Mood: tired
 
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29 March 2008 @ 03:22 am
It Kind Of Brings Tears To My Eyes..  
Today I didn't do much, I woke up UBER late. My client didn't get back to me yet and that asshole is pissing me off. I slaved for a night trying to get his shit done within 48 hours like he asked and I email it to him and what? No answer. Buttfucker. I had 40 minutes of sleep that night because of that ass. The least the faglet can do is get back to me! Srsly!! Geezumsss!!  Tonight was a good night over all. There was a Panther Prowl at school and I went to get a build-a-bear.  [My crazy teddybear fetish!!] There was pizza and rock band, the dating game was pretty funny [the guys and girls responses were so silly!]. It was a really warm night but those jellies were KILLING my feet and idk why. haha. Marta was packed for some reason at 11 in the night time, peculiar. We ran to catch the first car because it had few people in it. It was nice while it lasted. I don't have many updates I just felt slightly bummed and felt the need to blog. On to what is bumming me. Idk, journal..I feel like i'm caring TOO MUCH for freddy already and it's killing me. In fact, more than killing me. It kind of gives me this stomach fluttery feeling like I feel like i'm going to be hurt again, like this future I am looking forward to with him is never going to come, like it's all pretense.  I know he wouldn't hurt me though, my boobie couldn't hurt me, he's too sweet and caring. But I can't help feeling this way, what can I say? I got let down plenty in my past so I guess my brain is trying to count this one in with the bunch and it's like I want to stop feeling this way and I can't. It kind of brings tears to my eyes, like i'm blinking away my tears now. I don't know what to do, I want to talk to him about it but I don't think i could ever bring myself to. I'm thinking this is just common new love jitters though, it'll go away as time passes and especially when I get to see him in August! Once I get the feeling of when he holds me, I'm sure I'll feel better about us. I can't waittt!!  He's gonna love what I have planned for him!  But gosh, I hate being human sometimes. I wish i was a penguin..once they find their mate they stay with them for a lifetime, they never have to suffer heartbreak. Lucky birds...

P.S. Omgah. I saw Quasaan tonight. LMAO. talk about fucking awkward, I'm not even fond of saying hi to him. He tried to play me like a chump. what a dick.

------

Bamboo, my summer panda [I'm in love with her already, look out  freddy!! ] :

 
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Current Mood: worried
Current Music: Crickets?
 
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