...And so..I just received news that my father will not be home from NY tonight! =[ I'm so freaking bummed..like srsly!! I was looking forward to seeing him!! And it's so funny because we've only been away from each other for like a couple of days now. But I miss him like MAD. And my father and I weren't even close up until this year. And I love it. I love how close we are and I wouldn't change it for the WORLD. I used to take what I had for granted. I have both a mother and father who actually want me around. Who aren't in a hurry to shove me out of their house like 99% of American parents. Who are happy just having a nice family dinner and spending quality family time. They make me so happy and I'm so thankful! And now, living on campus doesn't seem all that glitzy without my backbone being with me. I'm printing off the cancellation form myself tonight and turning it in on monday. If me moving out of this house will cause ruckus, I don't want to do it. I don't want to mess up what we have together. Teenagers as a whole are just ungrateful little shits. They want to get really far from their parents so they can party & sex. Well..at the moment, my parents are becoming more open to the dating scene and accepting the fact that I am indeed getting older. So screw dorm life..I don't need it. And I surely won't bitch about moving out to move into a 5 by 5 room with a matchbox sized bed. Plz. The more I asked myself what's the real reason I want to move out, the more I couldn't provide a solitary answer. I only kept on making excuses for moving out. It used to be: "I want to move out to be with Jerod" Why is it that whenever I think about what Jerod and I had.....I'm not sure. it sort of drew me away from my parents. I was a 16 year old trying to seclude myself from my parents. How stupid. Independent or not, I always want my parents and brother to be my best friends. I don't care who I'm dating, what I'm doing, where I'm living...They need to be in my life. Speaking of brother..We agreed we'd get a tatt of two A's intertwined when he turns 18. Which is going to be awesome. I'll be saving a spot either on my right or left shoulder blade for that tattoo. I'm not even sure if I want anything else tatted on me at the moment to be honest. Nothing else comes as close to important as the matching tattoo I will be getting with my brother. <3 I love him sooooooooooooooooooooooo MUCH! I swear, I always want to be my brother's best friend no matter what. He's the best ever. And I love him. And I wouldn't trade him for the world. Even though I used to wish he was a girl when he was younger. Lolz. He's amazing. I'm already thinking of ways to surprise him this christmas! I love my baby bear! And the smile on his face is better than any gift in the whole world. Family love is the best love ever. And my eyes keep on filling with tears I'm so thankful for what I have.

In other news, I'm swamped in work. ;__; and Finals week is next week! Yayyyy! And california on fridayyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other other news, I made a promise to myself to stop settling for less and stop stressing over if guys want to be stupid. For those of you who have been wondering, I haven't been talking to Dimitri like I have been. Which is funny because we used to talk almost every day and now that I did admit that I liked him. We don't talk at all. Which is fine. Shit happens. There are so many guys trying to "holler" right now and none of them are my type. AT ALL. I'm not dating party promoters, rappers, sneakerheads, pant-saggers, or any other stereotypical black guys. I'm just not. It's stupid. I figure if I wait around long enough, I'll bump into someone that is worth my time. He's simply not here yet! >_< I need to find him where ever he is.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT!! Where do all the beautiful brothers on television come from?! I'm so serious. You never see guys that look like that in real life and in the rare occasion that you do, he's a biggest jackass that you ever did meet in your Godforesaken life. I am convinced that these handsome brown beauties come from some uncharted island located in some desolate area of the ocean. They probably prance around topless with their beautiful brown pecks glistening under the warm sunrays. -sigh- I will find that island. And I will take a few of them for myself. Like a buffet, and I'll load my damn plate. >_>

I'm about to look shittastic this week for I'm saving the cute stuff for cali! Lol!

Tomorrow we [Baby bear, Shellen, Jabari, And I] are going to the zoo and the aquarium! Bet your bottom dollar I'll have tons of photos up on flickr!! ;D

Okay..Spanish homework timeee!! xD <3

wow @ Jerod calling me. I didn't pick up because I was in my brother's room talking to him, even if I was in my room..I probably would have watched that shit ring. I didn't even bother to listen to his voicemail.

I have A LOT more to say but I'll write tonight, don't want to be late for school.

Where do i even begin?! Stuff has been going well lately well, besides my love life which is always a mess anyway. So lemme list all of these "potential guys" and their flaws..

first up would be Quasaan, lovely looking boy, puerto rican!! =D, involved, beautiful hazel eyes, nice conversation, fun, sensual - problem? he's SHADY. he's warm one minute and cold the next.  it's annoying. 

second would be Kevin. gorgeous guy, beautiful green eyes, fantastic height (like 6'5), silly - problem? he can't hold a proper conversation. UGH!!

third would be Matthew and the newest addition to the bunch. adorable guy! , cute little brown eyes, silly, great conversationalist, grounded, involved - problem? well..i haven't gotten there yet. I was talking to my mom about this..like if i had someone that was extremely attractive to me..such as Kevin then Matthew who is slightly less attractive (not by much because he's handsome!!) but who would i pick? the one who is more mentally equipped right? in fact, it should go the other way around. yea..exactly. lol. but i don't know..after Campus Movie Fest 2008 and spending A LOT of time with my film team (including Matt) I began to catch feelings. Needless to say, he seems to be catching them too...according to him he can't wait to "see how deep our rabbit hole goes". Yea..Matt..sureeee. lol. -raises one eyebrow-. But really? he said I intrigue him because i'm different. which is the way it's supposed to be. 

Anywho..just thought i'd open up with love life updates. lol. last time i blogged was like my birthday. LAWD. a lot has gone on since then. not sure if i can remember it all..but i sure can try..The biggest thing that recently happened would be Campus Moviefest. I met a couple of new friends and i love them..they are SO cool. our movie came out great. however we filmed too much for that small timeframe of 5 minutes. yikes. so we had to speed alot of it up. i'm like SO excited to get my hands on a copy tomorrow! Speaking of tomorrow, i go kickboxing with Matthew and i'm excited! Our film team is supposed to be going out on saturday night! i'm excited for that as well! lol. uhm..what else happened. oh yes, this morning kind of sucked. A garlic sauce spilled in my new babyphat purse so yes..it's useless now. it spilled all over my stuff..my camera..my pens..pencils, money..everything! And of course, if my day starts off like that..it will progressively get worse..and without a doubt, it did. Jabari and I got stuck in the damn train for over an hour this morning! Talk about bad luck. lol. we missed our first class entirely this morning. nice.

i'm not going to lie..i thought about jay a little today. i miss him. but i don't regret that we broke up. shit happens. but you know..i'm getting over him. 

life in general is going very well..i'm managing to keep positive attitude about everything. which is always good! =)

LONG TIME, livejournal!! feels good to be typing again. i think i'll start typing daily again.

ha. colour me confused again. i don't know what i'm doing with my love life anymore. one minute i miss him and when i'm with him..he drives me bananas. i don't even know. i don't think i want to go back out with him again. i just can't. i cry to much when we are together more than when we are apart.  i went out with leland last thursday, and he was okay i guess..but not my type at all. (btw, that night..i got to see gabrielle union and queen latifah!) I like Dimitri alot being that we have alot in common. and today he told me he liked me.  he's so freaking cute!  anyway..besides that..i'm counting down til finals. they are making me SOOO tired. lol. studying and shit ugh!! i sent in an application to be a photographer/graphic designer for the school magazine, the urbanite. i hope i get one of the two spots..i think that'd be fucking rad!!  i'm uber excited for christmas. YAY!  hehe. anyway. i'm REALLY tired..i'll type again REAL soon! 


p.s. omg. i ordered some glittery gumdrop from BBW. i can NOT wait until it gets here..that shit smells SOOOO good. yum!! and i ordered some lipgloss. double chocolate shake and cinnamint to be more exact. yum! flavoured. my fav!


p. motherfucking. s. again. NELLA IS COMING IN NINE DAYS!!! YAYYYY!!! my sister. i wuv her!  she's totally going to flip when she gets her christmas gift. i even bought her a lipgloss from BBW the other day. she'll love it.


xoxo. Breezy H.

Yea..So what am i doing up at these hours in the night? CRYING.  I'm SO sick of it. i don't know wtf my problem is, seriously..  

That's what I feel like though. An emotional pingpong ball. i don't know what to believe or what to feel and being indecisive drives me banana sandwich about situations.  I think I'm slowly driving myself crazy. I feel like I'm loving way harder than what's being returned. Which is a horrid feeling. I keep on trying to calm myself down, but that's not working. I'm going to start to prep myself to not be so damn clingy, in case we don't end up working out, so my world won't come crashing down like the first and second time.  Ugh..I'm trying to leave the subject alone.


There's not much of an update for today. Just mainly homework and i watched Love Don't Cost A Thing twice and Hair Show once. Basically just chilling, watching tv, and homework.  My cold feels like it's getting a little better, i guess..Tonight i plan on washing my hair and working on this little editing project experiment thingy i've been thinking about, i'll post the final thing when i'm done. It's still in the brainstorming stages. Well there's not much more than that to say..


P.s. I'll be working on a new layout soon. After i get off my lazy rump!


xoxo. Breezy H. 

 
EDIT// I'm fucking crying again.  

Yea..so my cold is progressing along and making me even more miserable by the second!  What's been new? Lemme see, nothing really. Yesterday I slept like ALL day and then during the night time Jaybee came over and we worked on our paper (we have to create zombie movie) and we ordered pizza and shit. he's such a dork! lol. 
I've already begun christmas shopping! I bought my brother a PS3.  I'm thinking of buying my dad a three in one shredder and my mom a camcorder. I got Nella an elmo shirt and i think i'll get her some nice body wash and stuff and I think i know what i'll get jabari..

Dude..I can't fucking wait until next year! Nella, Nadia, and Dani are all going to go to Georgia State. I'm going to see if i can room with them and if i can, that will be SO fun and ideal!  I usually don't care much for females, for some reason my relationships don't last very long. but Nella is my best friend forever and Dani and Nadia are SUCH close friends. The only females i care about, truth.  


Anyway, so I was listening to that Donell Jones joint, Where You Are (Is Where I Wanna Be). And that shit reminds me of my own feelings. real talk. It's speaking my heart.


I'm saying I'm sorry for leaving you
But I wanted to start my life brand new
I was going through changes and could not see
That with you is where I wanna be

Nothing compares to you
And I hurt from the pain that I put you through
Baby, I need you desperately
Cuz I gotta be

Where you are
Anywhere you are, it don't matter how far
Where you are
Anywhere you are, it don't matter how far
Where you are
Anywhere you are, it don't matter how far
Where you are

Where you are, uh huh, oh

Being apart got the best of me
And I know that in life there's no guarantees
Please say that you still got love for me
Cuz I'm missing home

I'm never gonna leave
And I say it because you're all I need
For better or worse, to the end of time
I gotta be

Where you are
Anywhere you are, it don't matter how far
Where you are
Anywhere you are, it don't matter how far
Where you are
Anywhere you are, it don't matter how far
Where you are

Where you are, and where you are
Where you are, oh

I am sorry for all the things I put ya through
Baby, you are my world
I can't live my life without you

Can I come back home where I belong
Cuz I'm so alone
Baby girl, I'm on my knees, beggin' please
Cuz with you is where I wanna be

Where you are
Anywhere you are, it don't matter how far
Where you are
Anywhere you are, it don't matter how far
Where you are
Anywhere you are, it don't matter how far
Where you are

I just wanna be where you are baby


eh..it's so weird when i find songs that say exactly how i'm feeling. lol. i miss my Jay. ALOT. I'd give anything to lay on his chest right now.  but anyway, i must be off to go do some school work.


xoxo. Breezy H.

 

Yea..so I needed a way to keep track of my thoughts besides my book journal. So an online blog seemed most efficient out of all of my choices.

Today was normal really. My english class got canceled so all we had to do today was go to film, which i don't mind because Cossar is a fabulous teacher, and go show our raw cuts for our GSU 1010 class. I must say I look pretty damn horrid on video tape, even though i knew that shit already.  I'm still like having mixed feelings about me being one of the main characters. I mean I look BAD on video camera. lol. Oh well, I'll get over it.  Nothing spectacular happened today even though my last friday was a little more than amazing.  I spent it with my Jay and oh man..I can't even explain the way he makes me feel these days. I like to listen to his heart beat when i lay on his chest, it's beautiful.  I have it worse that i did when we FIRST were together. i can't wait to see him again. I LOVE HIM SOOOO MUCH!!! And I'm going to be pretty damn real about this: It scares the bullshit out of me!   I feel like I am falling too fast but it feels so right! It'd suck more than anything if I end up head over heels in love (i think i'm at that stage already) and we break up. I can't take another heartbreak, like forreal.  But I really do feel like we are made for each other. smh. My parents read me too many fairytales! It's just nearly been three years i've been caring for this man none stop and he has been there for me WHENEVER i've needed him! He's a good dude, and i screwed it all up but accusing him that he was cheating last april.  Worst mistake of my life. I don't know, it's just dealing with him, sometimes i lose my head, i feel like i'm never good enough for him or he deserves more, in turn, creating more insecurity.  We are working it out though and getting to know each other again, but if this doesn't work out, i'll be emotionally shattered. I need to stop thinking the worse though..right?!

In other news: I think I may be coming down with the sniffles. It can't be anything serious because i had a flu shot last week.  I have freaking two papers and a test next week! AHHHH!! College will be the death of me, it's official.  

Anyway..Back to my Sims 2 game!! I'll type again later!!

xoxo. Breezy H.